I’m actually kind of relieved to be back at work…
I had WAYYYY too much fun this weekend. Like, “should be illegal” amounts of fun. It’s actually kind of a nice sigh of relief to be at work and just be… sitting. So, mostly because this is where I keep my ~memories, I’m going to ramble about it for a while. Feel free to ignore.
Okay, so Friday, I had lunch with my boss & with M. I was pissed at M all week (long story, but same shit) and I was finally ready to be over it. He and I rode back to work together and actually had a really nice, air-clearing talk, which was probably way overdue, and he eased my mind about some things, said some nice things, and I felt way better about everything afterwards. I’ll skip the details because I’m still not sure how I feel about everything we talked about, and it’s probably not interesting to anyone but me anyway.
Although, one of the things he said is that he thinks I’m still in love with my ex-husband, and I decided to tackle that issue and really mull it over this weekend. I talked to a bunch of people about it, including my therapist this morning, and have come to the conclusion that NO, I’M REALLY NOT. I “love” him, in the sense that we have a child and he’s my family, but I’m legitimately over wanting to be in a relationship with him. I think what M is picking up on is twofold - One is a fear of letting him go completely because it’s scary to be completely alone. If I still have J to fall back on and rely on, I don’t have to be alone. The second thing is just my unwillingness to be in a relationship in general. I’d like to DATE someone, but I have a fear of moving too fast and ending up committed to someone before I’ve even gotten to enjoy being single.
Bottom line, I like M and would enjoy going on dates with him and sleeping with him, but I’m totally not ready to be anyone’s ~woman. But J isn’t the issue here. So at some point, I will talk to M about that, but I’m not in a rush.
Moving on, so Friday we had a good talk, and then proceeded to have pretty much the most fun we’ve had together at D&D, maybe ever. He was way more touchy-feely with me than usual, too, which makes me think he might feel better after our air-clearing talk, too. He’s so fucking funny - I really do have a blast with him. *happy sigh*
Then, my friend L was supposed to come on Saturday morning. She’s been one of my BFFs since high school and I don’t get to see her nearly enough. However, she’s a nurse and had to unexpectedly work Friday night, so she texted me and said she couldn’t come until later on Saturday. I was prepared to be bummed, but then my GBFF, G, texted me (at noon) and asked me to come drink with him at his work (he’s a bartender, but he wasn’t working, just hanging with some coworkers), so I went out there and had a GREAT time. One of his coworkers was an adorable way-too-young for me guy who was super flirty and we had a great time chatting and flirting and goofing around. SO fun. :)
Anyway, we headed out about 3, G went home and I headed to another bar to meet my cousin-in-law (well, technically the in-law is about to go by the wayside, so I’ll just say she’s my friend because she IS) and her hubby, who are two of my favorite people. We sat outside on the patio at this little shithole bar and watched some amateur wrestling, drank margaritas, and chatted about everything and nothing. It was wonderful to see them and fill them in on all my exploits of late. Much needed-catch up.
Then, at about 5, I stumbled off to TGIFridays to hook back up with G, who apparently missed me after two hours apart. Lol… He and I chilled there until 7 when L finally arrived, as well as C (I’ve referred to him here before - friend’s little brother, been trying to get together with him for weeks), and the four of us talked about high school and life and caught up and bullshitted and G flirted with C a bit, which C took totally in stride and was awesome about, which just makes me like C more. Lol…
Then G left at like 10, and L, C, and I went to a playground (long story - basically our “group” used to always hang out on playgrounds at night. It was our place to have “deep” conversations). Things got a little emo, and we kind of did a hug and cry, and then went back to my house to play Cards Against Humanity until 3:45 AM. Then C finally left (I think I drunkenly told him he could booty call me sometime, but I don’t remember).
L and I went upstairs to “go to bed” and ended up talking until 6 AM, of course. Then we had sex. *cough* See, L and I tend to hook up whenever we get together. She was my first female lover, back when we were 18. Ahhh, nostalgia. So that was fun. I really enjoy being with a girl from time to time, and she and I have that easy comfort where there’s no shyness or shame or hesitation. We can just fool around. It’s pretty awesome. Plus I seriously needed to get off. :)
Then we finally went to sleep, only to have to wake up at 11:30 to go get Waverly. We took Waverly to my parents house and all three of us went swimming (my parents have a nice in-ground pool, which is SO AWESOME this time of year). Waverly wanted to get out after only 45 minutes or so, and my mom ended up playing with her all afternoon, so L and I could chill in the pool and talk. We ended up being in there for four hours. Ooops? And we both got burnt (me for the second time in two weeks - bad, I know). But I don’t get to see her nearly enough and I love the hell out of her and she always tells me the truth and always has my back. *hearteyes*
Then I woke up this morning and went to therapy, and mainly discussed the fact that M thinks I still love my husband. We talked about that for quite a while, and she told me that she honestly thinks I don’t and that it’s pretty clear I don’t want to get back with him, and that I just need to spend more time with other people, because right now, I see J every day when I drop Waverly off and pick her up. He’s still one of the main people in my life. Honestly, I think what would help that is spending more time with M (or someone) and letting romantic feelings develop.
I know M and I have gone through some stupid ups and downs, but honestly, I think I’ve been letting myself “get mad” at him for dumb shit almost as a safety feature of my brain, because the alternative is facing the fact that he’s really fucking cute and I definitely like him. He’s also kind of stupidly perfect for me. We’re both wicked smart in the same kind of way and we like a lot of the same things, but he’s super-independent and has his own place and does his own thing and has his own hobbies and wouldn’t expect me to sweep in and become his “housewife,” which is the thing I’m most scared of in the world. (Which is why I know I don’t want to get back together with J.) His need for companionship is minimal, which makes me happy because my ability to give companionship right now is sort of hindered, mostly by childcare issues. If I started dating a needy man, I’d be stressed and unhappy. Idk… He’s undeniably not good at this relationship thing, but in all fairness, neither am I. Maybe we can struggle together. :)
Anyway… I think that brings me to the present. We had lunch together with our coworkers (he hasn’t been working in the office much lately) and he hadn’t shaved in a while and was very scruffy and I totally wanted to make out with him. Lol… You know how I feel about that, people. It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
So… I guess idk what’s happening or what will happen, but I felt SO AMAZING this weekend being with my old friends and people that I truly love and I just felt so happy and supported and loved all weekend. It was seriously one of the best times of my life. It was like everywhere I turned, there was another special person waiting to tell me how much they care about me and how they wish me the best and love seeing me happy, etc. etc. etc.
Want to get back with my husband? Me? No thank you. :)
